IV. The Root of All Problems
1. A Series of Whys
“Why don’t they know how to smile?” “Your Choir
sings so well; it’s too bad that they look so serious even when they
are supposed to look happy; they carry this sour expression on their
faces.” “You need to teach them to smile more.”
These are their most common comments. They think
that I did not do my job; actually, these are the greatest false
accusations. I care more than anyone about their facial expressions; I
try everything to get them to smile, but they just can’t do it.
Sometimes I’d make funny faces at them, it’s still useless.
I’ve discovered that they are very different from
children from normal families; not able to smile on stage is just one
of them. Their voices are like angels, yet their faces seem to be
saying, “We are a group of unfortunate angels.”
“Why are they so timid?” I have conducted choir of
different levels: children, youth and adults. Of course they get shy on
stage too, but not to the degree of shyness the Children’s Choir
demonstrated. Their fear is something they can not conquer, something
that threatens them all the time.
“When you were singing solos on stage, why were your
legs shaking?” “I was scared.” “Why did you make that mistake?” “I was
too nervous.” “Why was your voice trembling?” “I’m scared.” For most
people, numerous performing experiences usually take care of the
problem of stage fright. For the Children’s Choir, five times or even
ten times as many performances still can not calm their nerves.
A member with a beautiful voice has had six-year
solo experience . She has performed on stage hundreds of times, yet she
still gets really nervous each time.
When they line up on stage, they always stand really
close to each. If I have them stand further apart, they become scared.
Sometimes we needed to rearrange the stance line-up; it would have an
effect on their singings also because they are out of their usual
comfort zone.
What’s more, they are used to leaning on a certain
leader in their section. It the leader sings softer, they don’t dare
sing any louder. Or if the leader was sick and didn’t perform, the
singing would fall below standard.
They are even more reliant on the piano. Every time
we sang a cappella SSA Lift Thine Eyes from “Elijah” by Mendelssohn,
the voice would not come until a long time after I’ve signaled the
downbeat of the first note, making me very anxious. It turned out that
they were used to having piano accompaniment; because the accompanist
and I are in the States most of the time, they used accompaniment CD
when they performed this song. When I conducted, they were still
waiting for the sound of the piano to come after I have given the
signal; when the sound did not come, they all waited for the section
leader to start. The same problem occurred every time this song was
sung. It was finally corrected after many more trials and rehearsals.
This rarely happens to other choirs.
“Why are they so fragile?” The children are
discouraged easily. If they did not do well the first time, they lack
the courage to try again. Even after encouragement from all sides, they
still refused to sing solos on stage, afraid that they will fail again.
They could always find an excuse: “I have a cold.” “My throat is
irritated today.” “ I….”
Every time this happened, I tried especially hard to
protect them, “It’s all right that your voice is not well today. How
about if so and so sing with you. With the two of you singing, you
don’t need to feel scared.”
This worked each and every time. After several tries
they usually regained their confidences. I often sigh on the inside,
“Poor kids. Why is growing up so hard for you?”
I know their weaknesses and sensitivities, so I’m
often reluctant to point out their mistakes. However, I am very strict
about musicality, simply because I do everything with diligence, not
because I don’t care about their feelings.
“Why are they such slow learners?” Sometimes after
explaining a difficult musical concept for the nth time, they would
still look at me blankly. Other difficult techniques were impossible
for them to understand. However, I have a stubborn nature; no matter
how hard the song, I’m determined to teach them beat by beat until
they’ve learned. No matter how hard the techniques, we are going to
practice again and again. We do not stop until we’ve achieved our
goals. Even so, I still had to lower my overly high expectations. No
matter how hard you wish, it isn’t possible to pluck off a star from
the sky. Therefore, I abandoned trying to get them to read the scores;
for them it’s as hard as reading books with no words. If I had forced
them to read the music scores, we would have had to invest five or even
ten times as much time learning. The children would be so discouraged
and lose interests in singing. Why not use the time to learn more new
songs so that we can meet the needs of all the performances. What is
most important is for them to enjoy singing.
“Why do they give up so easily?” During the early
stages of training, all the older boys were absent from rehearsal one
day; I didn’t think much of it. But in class, I noticed that the
children couldn’t concentrate, and were whispering to each other, as if
something has happened.
Days later, one of the workers told me that
something did happen that day. The main character of this story is an
eleven- or twelve-year-old girl named Julie, another pseudonym, of
course. She was a wanderer sent here from the Department of Human
Services. Because her parents were divorced, she had no home to return
to, so she lived on the streets and made friends with many troubled
youth and learned many bad habits. The government sent her to the
Children’s Home. But Julie couldn’t get used to the regimented life at
the orphanage, so she ran away, but was later found and brought back.
That day when all the older boys were absent, they were out looking for
her.
I feel a special burden for children like this, so I
asked, “Who is she? Why don’t you bring her to choir so she can learn
to sing?” I know that every one in choir has a tragic story; but after
being in the choir for a period of time, they become transformed.
That’s what gave me the courage to ask.
“She’d come to try-outs before, but you did not
accept her.” “Really?” I felt really bad, “I can give her another
chance.” Her voice is hoarse due to her excessive smoking and drinking.
I made an exception by inviting her to join the
choir, and tried to encourage her on all fronts. Julie is a beautiful
and lovable child. As long as she is passable in singing, I will allow
her to go on tours. However, her voice was really bad, and added to
that, she couldn’t learn any song from beginning to end. I felt so
sorry for her.
“It’s alright. If you don’t make it this year, there
is always the next year. You are still young. After we are back from
the tour, you can join us in training for next year.” I was still
holding out hope for her, because I know what going out of country can
mean in each child’s life. The choir changed each child’s life. But I
have to uphold the standard I’ve set, or it wouldn’t be fair to the
other children.
After we’ve returned from abroad, it’s time to
enlist new members. The turnover at the Children’s Home is very high
because once the children reach 18 years of age, they have to leave; we
need younger kids to fill the spots. But Julie did not return. I asked
her to come see me later, and learned that because she thought that she
didn’t have a chance of making the choir, she didn’t even try. I didn’t
see her often after that.
It turned out she couldn’t quit the habit of
drinking and smoking, and had run away with a boy friend. That didn’t
work out, so she went back to the mountain village, but did not return
to school. I don’t know what kind of life she is leading now.
Aye! Why is she so self-destructive? If she had quit
those habits, so that her vocal cord could return to normal, then she
could have joined the choir. Even if she is not in choir, if she had
followed the rules, the orphanage would have taken care of her until
she graduated from high school, and become a useful person in the
society.
“Why are they so prone to illnesses?” I’ve mentioned
earlier that under extreme pressures, the choir children become ill
more easily than I do. It doesn’t mean that I am super healthy; it
means that although I am old and have many medical conditions, the
children’s health conditions are even weaker than my. When something
unexpected happens, they collapse physically. It’s not unusual for
teachers to take children to the emergency room in the middle of the
night.
“Why do they not strive to be better?” “Why are
their attitudes so distant?” “------“ There are so many whys.
2. Strong Contrasts
The one characteristic that is unique to the
Children’s Home is that the founders, Rev. and Mrs. Yang, placed their
own children (including employees’) in the same living quarters as the
orphans, to show that they see all children as their own. Later on
they’ve expanded their operation to take in children from indigent
families, single-parent families, and troubled families. There are many
employees’ children in the choir. Rev. Yang’s grandchildren are in it
too. To be fair, no one was given special privileges. They all had to
go through series of auditions. If their grades are not good enough, no
matter what their backgrounds are, they don’t make it. Conversely,
children from tragic backgrounds were shown more sympathy and concern.
I clearly know that I came for those who had no one to depend on and
needed help, not for those who lack nothing.
But the ones who do the best, learn the fastest, and
comprehend the most are mostly children from normal household.
They are usually the most optimistic and
enthusiastic, and in group situations the examples to others. Of course
they became the nucleus and leaders in the choir. They are thought of
highly by the teachers and supported by the other choir members.
When they entered the choir, they all had to start
from scratch with equal opportunities. But after a time, the
differences become quite obvious.
In contrast to the others, these children are full
of confidence; they have stable personalities; their mindset is pure;
their attitudes are gentle and courteous; they have good characters;
and they are optimistic and eager.
This minority is what guaranteed the stable growth of this choir.
3. The difficulty of problems
What were the problems? Why is there such a difference?
The root of the problems originates with the birth families.
They did not receive the necessary care during the
critical periods of personality development, especially infancy. There
is an ancient Chinese saying: “Age of three foretells age of eighty.”
This coincides quite well with what modern “Developmental Psychology”
believes.
Problem children come from problem families. We can
even say there is no problem child, only problem parents. When the
parents go wrong, the children go wrong.
At the end of World War II, many children were
orphaned as a result of the war. These children were sent to be raised
at the orphanages.
It was discovered later that these children raised
in orphanages had some commonalities. Their facial expressions were
cold; they were slow to respond; they closed themselves off from
others; they didn’t know how to develop interpersonal relationships.
They didn’t eat well; they were physically weak; they were
under-developed; they were prone to sicknesses; they couldn’t focus or
concentrate; they were slow learners; they had no drive to succeed;
they lacked curiosity; they were not concerned about the people or
things around them; etc. There were a lot of negative characteristics.
When observing the orphanage, a psychologist noticed
one infant who was different from the rest. She knew how to interact
closely with others; when someone played with her, she smiled; she
reacted to the different expressions and movements of others. The
psychologist became greatly interested. He found out later that there
was a nanny who spent extra minutes to hold her, cuddle her, kiss her,
talk to her and play with her every time she had to feed her, just like
a mother would. No wonder! You see the importance of a mother’s love. A
mother’s kindness and love can affect a person for a lifetime. It’s a
mother’s love that a happy life can be build upon; without it, life
would lose its myriad of colors.
What I faced was a group of children who had lost the warmth of their families. What can I do for them?
In the past forty to fifty years, I had counseled
Christians with family problems, which in turn started my interest in
psychology. For many years I have studied psychology, reading anything
I can get my hands on. But the knowledge I’ve gained are just words on
paper, I had no actual clinical experience.
Before the choir was formed, I taught the counselors
in the orphanage a series of psychological counseling classes. At that
time, the teachers had no opportunity to take professional training in
psychological counseling. Now is very different. Many teachers are
taking related classes in colleges so that they may qualify as
certified counselors.
Up ‘til then, my understanding of the problem was
still only as deep as the theoretical knowledge. Knowledge is dead, but
people are alive and change constantly with the change in time and
space.
Psychology has its limitation also. The heart of
many problems can not be solved with theory; psychologists are not god.
Take for example the issue of a mother’s love. Can a
mother’s love be replaced? In class the teachers
raised many practical questions. The one that let the deepest
impression on me was: “I feel very discouraged and disappointed. I have
given them all the love I can give to take care of them, but I do not
get anything in return. When I read their diaries, I found that the
person they think of and respect the most, is not the nanny that
sacrificed everything for them, but their mothers who abandoned them
and did not do their duties as mothers.” Almost all
nannies and teachers have the same experience. In
their minds, they thought they could completely replace the birth
mothers. But in the minds of the children, it’s a
whole different story. To a child, a mother is
everything; it almost carries a religious attachment. Mothers are like
gods. Mothers are absolute; no one else can take her place.
If the mother died, the child will see
himself/herself as an orphan forever. If the mother
abandoned the child, he/she will think that she had done it because
there was no other choice, and one day she will come and take me home.
It is this slim hope towards the mother that gives
the child the will to live. If this hope is dashed also, then the child
will lose the will to live. How cruel it would be to
take away this wishful thinking. “Mother” is the
source of life, the root of life. The mother and child are bound by
their lives, their blood, never to be apart. “Mother
nature” is a display of unconditional love. This love can not be
changed under any circumstance. “Mother” is perfect
and holy in a child’s eyes, even if she is a failure in others’ eyes.
This kind of subjective conviction, though far from the truth, is
incomprehensible. This human nature to worship one’s mother carries
with it a religious mythical element, and is quite common.
Losing one’s mother, for whatever reason, creates an ache in
one’s heart forever. This loss is irreplaceable and can not be
re-compensated. When an orphan is place in foster
home or an orphanage, no matter how loving a foster mother, nanny or
counselor is, he/she can never mean more to the child than the birth
mother. Caretakers are playing the roles of
mothers. No matter how sincere it’s played, it is still a role, an
imitation, a temporary replacement. It’s fortunate
in a way; if the child has treated the caretaker as a real mother, when
the caretaker leaves, the child would be hurt all over again. Every
time there is a turnover in caretaker, the child would experience the
loss of a parent again. There is only one mother,
who can never be replaced. However, there may be multiple foster
mothers and nannies, and they are interchangeable. The difference
between biological mother and surrogate mother is natural.
This is the source of the problem: without a mother’s love, a
child’s personalities can not develop normally. Yet
mothers are irreplaceable. The caretakers’ love is only second best;
the unfortunate fates of the orphans are already cast.
Today, there are not many real orphans. There are more and more
problem children from problem homes. The Children’s Home’s acceptance
of these children made the management even more complicated. The
relationship between the caretakers and the children are tense; they
have taken on a heavy part of the societal responsibilities.
I am just an outsider, what impact can I have?
4. The solution to the
problems To lose one’s mother is the cruelest
reality, and it can never be made up. If one is to dwell in this
tremendous sadness and not able to come out of it, then one’s whole
life could be ruined. The luckiest outcome is
finding an ideal substitute mom who can give him/her the best of her
mothering nature, maybe even better than what the biological mother can
give. Even so, it still doesn’t change the fact that he/she is an
orphan. He/she is just a lucky orphan. The shadow of being an orphan
will follow him/her for the rest his/her life. Whenever he/she comes to
a turning point in his/her life, this scar will be torn open again to
destroy his/her self confidence. The love that
a substitute mom offers is just charity. The more is given, the more is
owed. She needs repayment - at least you need to be grateful for ever.
This relationship contains an exchange of conditions.
Thus, the giver and the receiver, because of unrealistic
expectations, develop doubts about each other, become unhappy with each
other and create tension in the relationship. This in turn creates
extreme personalities that affect his/her whole life, exhibiting
anti-social tendencies. All educators,
psychologists, philanthropists can do is up to this point. The basic
problem is not solved.
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